Teenage mutant ninja turtles: the review

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i’m a huge ninja mutant turtles fan and when i say huge i mean huge, i remember my mum buying me one of the

costumes when i was a kid, when given this i would jump around my house, more than likely breaking things,

pretending to be Raphael, i always had a soft spot for him when i was a kid, now my favourite has got to be

donatello but then time changes all things. so you can imagine my horror when i found that Michael bay was to

shepherd this film and after seeing what he did to another one of my childhood stables i did not hold much hope.

yet despite all my reservations i have decided to try and focus on the good things which it had some of, sadly

those were not the story.

so i’ll start with what most people will see first and that is the story, the story involves like most Michael bay

projects a huge number of plots and sub plots that never go anywhere, firstly we have the main story of a group

of teenagers defying their father and sneaking out at night, the only difference is they’re doing it to fight crime,

were as when i was 15 i did it to drink beer and meet girls, i think mine is far more noble but then i’m biased,

the second story involves the birth of April O’Neill and her need to be taken seriously, personally i don’t buy

Megan fox as a serious reporter but more on that later, another subplot involves the turtles origin story and

how April saved them when they were young, why does April both have to be the turtles savour and the reason

they leave the sewers seriously this is very bad writing on everyone’s part and a very ham fisted way to beef

up April’s importance within the turtles mythos. we also have the story of how splinter and the foot clan want to

release a chemical that will kill new york, like most blockbusters that Michael bay has been involved this is overly

complicated, nonsensical and could have easily been chopped up and made a whole lot easier, this coupled with

the reshoots to make the story easier to digested show the complete lack of pride and understanding that

the producers showed towards the source material, i say producers because i was very excited about this project

and i would absorb as much information about this film as possible including numerous interviews with the writers

who seem to have a real love for the characters, something tells me that passion didnt quite translate very well

when going up against the incredibly conservative system that is the American studio system.

so although the story was very complicated and hard to follow i was willing to look the other way, the story has

never been the turtles strong point and honestly i just wanted a bit of fun on a very hot day in saigon and thats

what i got for the most part, the biggest problem i have with this film is Megan fox and the role that April gets as

a result, she is in this film for one reason and only one reason, the people who make this film think she’s pretty,

truth be told I’d like to hit her with a shovel, firstly i think i should comment on how i dont find her attractive as

thats the only part of her that the creators of this film thought about, she looks like she should be doing porn

rather than acting, i mean her face is lifeless, to make up for the fact that i commented on her looks and that

makes the feminist in me very angry as i don’t want to judge a person based solely on her looks so im going to

comment on her acting abilities or complete lack there of, ive seen more emotion from serial killers than megan, i

dont think she is capable of showing any form of emotion, she literally has one expression and thats the look of a

crack addict that still has some self dignity self and thinks shes better than you. not to mention her very annoying

habit of breathing through her mouth through this entire film. i mean can we all come together as a collective and

decide that if a film contains Megan we simply won’t watch it, i mean we did it for Tom Cruise so why not Megan?

The villains were very off in this film, if im truly honest i think they over thought this film a lot, the turtles were

always meant to be jolly good fun and the bad guys reflected this, although shredder was menacing in the

cartoon it was always in a fun way, why cant hollywood just gives us a fun film that requires nothing from me to

enjoy. they claim that they can’t make them anymore and that the audience isnt there anymore but i think we

all know that’s just bull, look at one of the most popular movies of this summer is guardians of the galaxy and

that is just goofy and fun in every way. they tried to make shredder too terrifying and in the process made him

completely comical and uninteresting.

so i think ive been very negative so far and i want to say what i enjoyed about this film, the turtles were all on

character, they all got their time to shine and had something to do, this film was Raphael heavy with him being

the only character to get a arc in this film. Michelangelo was funny and love lorn, Raphael was bad ass and

brooding, Leonardo was distant and cold and Donatello was in the background on his computer. Personally I

would have wanted more Donatello but I understand that he’s there for exposition and that wasn’t necessary in

this film, it was very Raphael and Michelangelo heavy though but I think that because there characters are the

most well defined. they were a few stand out moments though that showed me that the writers really do get the

characters, the rap battle in the lift which had me laughing and smiling like the big child i am and the mountain

side scene were everyone is hurt or incapacitated and Donatello steps up and says “its time for me to be a bad

ass”, showing he doesn’t like to fight but will when the need arises or his brothers are in danger, i fist pumped

at this scene it was just that perfect, i also wasn’t that concerned with the cgi, its something that happens and i

personally prefer this than the old school costume style. Splinter was also a totally bad ass and had his own fight

scene which was amazing and showed that he wasn’t such a pushover.

so this was a very difficult and long review for me to write, this was a weird film for me to review, i liked it but then

im not sure if i actually liked the film or my rampant fanboyish is coming through, the special affects were good

but then what would you expect from the transformers team, they make things beautiful first and then worry about

everything else, the turtles are all spot on and that made me happy about the sequel, which has already been

annouced. the biggest failure though with teenage mutant ninja turtles are right in front, they are megan fox and

any moment when the turtles are not on screen and that is the vast majority of this film. in conclusion this is a

deeply flawed film with some truly awesome moments but still worth a watch for any turtles fan.

6/10

 

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